Our last goodbye

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Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them. For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ~Mk 10:14

Carley's Site was last updated 01/03/02 10:47:49 PM

Our Last Goodbye

Steve left to take care of some matters at home before coming back to pick me up. My parents were due to come in shortly, and I knew that this would be my first and last time alone with Carley. I took out my Christening gown from the box Mom had brought and laid it neatly on the bed. I hummed to her as I walked around the room, cleaning house, perhaps pretending a bit that things were normal.

Sarah returned with a T-shirt for Carley, and she carefully undressed her and placed the shirt on her before I went about the business of dressing her for the first and last time. I was startled by how cold her skin felt. Sarah had brought her to me in heated blankets, so when I did touch Carley for the first time, it did actually surprise me.

Carley had the most perfect little fingernails - little fat hands, little fat arms, and chubby thighs. Her feet were darling. I kissed her hands and talked to her while I dressed her. Somehow I felt like I was seven years old all over again, playing with my dolly. When I placed the bonnet on her head I kissed her on the forehead one last time, her skin cool beneath my lips. She was so beautiful.

We put her on her receiving blanket and Sarah took some pictures of her for me. I looked on as she placed Carley's arms "just so" and as she snapped one picture after another. I stared at Carley, willing her to move, and knowing that she wouldn't all at the same time. I knew our time was running short. My parents would be there soon, and although I did not want to deny my mom the right to hold her one last time, I also knew that it would reopen a wound that I hoped was beginning to close. As 9:00 rolled around, I kissed her again and asked Sarah to take her away.

It was the very last time I saw my daughter.