021501
Dear Carley,
This website is my second labor of love for you. Perhaps
this is my way of keeping you here with me - my first child, my only daughter,
my love.
Holding you in my arms was so bittersweet. I often close
my eyes and dream of that time we had, just you and I. I loved your little
lips - That's the part of you I remember so vividly. I long to hold you
again.
Tonight, when I sleep, I hope that you will visit me
again. Let me kiss your hair one more time. Let me cuddle you
and rock you and sing to you. Please, baby, if only in my dreams.
021701 - 3:18 a.m.
Dear Carley,
I can't sleep. I feel funny that I did not get overly
upset today. I feel guilty about that, like maybe I am just not sensitive
enough. Won't people think it freakish of me that I can laugh and be happy
so soon after you're gone?
I made the decision today to change doctors. I wondered
about whether or not I'd be able to go back to the OB Dept ever again, and I
decided today that I couldn't. I can't go back to that room, the room
where I first knew you left me. How can I go back and joke with the
receptionists and complain to the nurses and go back to that room where I last
heard your heart beating just days ago...
Oh, Carley, if I had known that this would be my only time with
you, I would have never slept. I would have done nothing but caress you
through my skin and sing to you. I would have laughed more when you kicked at my
ribs and asked more people if they wanted to feel you move. I would have
danced around in a bikini, and shown off to the world my beautiful, beautiful
little miracle.
021701
Dear Carley,
I saw your pictures today. Is it possible that I had
already forgotten how beautiful you are? No, I think perhaps you are just
more beautiful than I or anyone else will ever know. You heard me
tonight, didn't you? I was wailing for you. Oh, how I long for you
sometimes. Maybe I'm lucky, though. No matter where I am, I know you
are with me. You are never more than a heartbeat away.
021801
Dear Carley,
Today was a tough day. They honored you in church this
morning, but you already knew that, didn't you? The baby that started to
cry when our pastor began to speak about you... that was you, wasn't it?
Was it your cries that I heard beneath my own?
Carley, I had no idea how many people loved you. Did you
see all our friends coming to me and crying with me today? Did you see how
much they were hurting? It was unbelievable to me.
Why did you leave me, Love? I know you can't tell me now,
and someday when we meet again, I know I will understand, but it is so
difficult. I love you so much I ache. And I miss you so much
sometimes that I just can't see straight. But you don't feel bad when I
laugh, do you? Tell me its ok to be happy sometimes.
021901
Dear Baby,
Today was a good day. This is the first morning I woke up
without crying. Of course, I felt guilty that I did not weep for you as
the sun rose, but I know I can't do that forever. I looked at your
pictures again today. Goodness, you are a fat little thing, aren't
you? Would you have had my smile, Carley? I could see you had my
pout!
Sweetie, I am still so overwhelmed by all the people who have
come to share their love with you. Even though you are not here, I know
you must feel it.
I spent all that time carrying you under my heart. And I
will spend the rest of my life carrying you in it.
022101
Dear Carley,
Mom and I looked at your pictures today. Yes, it is pretty
obvious you have my pout. It's the first thing she said. Then she
saw a picture with your hands and feet showing. It's pretty obvious you
inherited those from your father. We had a good cry and then a good
laugh. Thank you for allowing us to have both.
022201
Dear Carley,
I do wonder sometimes if part of me hasn't realized you're
gone. Or maybe I've realized it, but haven't let myself feel it yet.
I've worked so hard on this website as a way to talk about you, but I haven't
really thought about how I feel or if what I'm feeling is anything at all.
I'm afraid.
022301
Am I a mother? Just because you are not here does not mean
that I'm childless, does it?
022501
Dear Carley,
We discovered I was pregnant with you one night last
summer. It was after 10:00 and I was getting ready for bed. I
remember standing in the bathroom, staring at the pregnancy test, which was
POSITIVE. Your dad came in and we both stood there, just looking at
it. We were stunned. Then we hugged each other and began talking
about how our life would change. We were so excited.
022601
Oh Carley, today has been such a tough day. It has been
two weeks since I knew you left me, and I had hoped I'd be able to pull myself
together by now. I just hurt so much when I think of you.
030201
Dear Carley -
Well, the first of your playmates was born today. Davi
Rose - 8 lbs, 7 oz... We all were so looking forward to how the two of you would
grow together... and how the four of us would learn to parent with each other...
It is a bittersweet day. I am so happy for our friends, but it makes me
miss you even more.
030401
Dear Carley,
I feel like things are finally starting to quiet down. And
now that they are, it is as if my emotions have suddenly been opened... I can't even believe it has been three weeks. I'm so much
sadder now. It's a calmer kind of sad, not the desperate grief I felt at
first, more a dull, aching sadness. I have more time to think about you these days, and I miss
you. I get jealous of other new moms and sometimes I get angry thinking of
all the could-have-been things. I wonder sometimes what we would be doing
now. I think about what your little hands would feel like when they held
mine. I think about what your smile might have looked like. I don't
know why I hadn't thought about these things before - maybe I wasn't ready to
think of them. I don't think I'm ready now, but I can't stop the thoughts
from coming. And it hurts so much.
030601
Dear Carley,
People still tell me they don't know what to say... It's funny,
but I'm not sure I know what I want them to say. No one can take away this
pain. I know your death is not something I will ever "get
over". But I'm learning to live with it. I'm trying not to feel
guilty when I laugh with my friends, and trying not to feel so hurt when I see
other mothers with their babies. Oh how I miss you! Our
doctor called today to see how I am doing. Talking to him still makes me
sad, but it also makes me hopeful. You wouldn't mind if we tried to have
another baby, would you? It isn't that I want to replace you - I could
never replace you. But I do want to have a baby. We want to have a
family. And I want you to have siblings. I hope that's ok with you.
030801
Dear Carley,
I look around the nursery each day and still can't believe that
you're gone. Every darn time I drink a glass of orange juice, I fully
expect to feel you kick inside me. And when I look at my flat stomach, I
wish you were still there. I'm scared to go back to work, now. I
don't want to go back to "the world". I'm happier just staying
in the house, pretending that nothing else is out there for
me.
031001
Dear Carley,
People still handle me with "kid gloves" and for that
I am grateful. I worry, though, that the day will come when they
don't. There is someone I know who lost her daughter several years
ago. I wonder if people still ask her about Charlotte, or if they have
tried to forget about her now that this woman has had other
children.
I don't want people to forget about you. And in a way, I
don't want to stop hurting. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be hurting...
and the sadness, although painful, reminds me of how much I love you.
031201
I have said to many people that had I known those nine
months would be my only time with Carley, I would have danced in the
streets with my belly exposed to show the whole world my beautiful
daughter... I've said a lot of "had I known"s in the last month.
It has been exactly 1 month since I first heard the news
that my Carley was dead.
Had I known I would only have that short time with her, I
would have spent more time relishing each thump and bump she made and less
time complaining that she was stomping on my bladder. Had I known she
would leave so soon, I would have encouraged people to feel her through my
skin instead of being so self conscious about people touching me. Had I
known I'd never see her smile or hear her voice, I'd have spent every waking
moment memorizing the details of how she felt moving around inside my womb.
But I can't dwell on those "had I known"s.
I do encourage my friends who are pregnant (and there are
PLENTY of them) to relish the thumps and bumps, to not wince when the little
old ladies in the grocery store come up and touch them, and to appreciate
every moment, even the uncomfortable ones...
Carley's death shook a lot of my friends and family into
examining their own mortality, and how fragile life is. I have had
several people tell me that when they heard our sad news, they immediately
hugged their children...
I can see how her death has brought about some good.
Although it does not lessen my pain, it does make me happy to know she has
made a difference in others' lives. And for that I feel so blessed.
031501
Dear Carley,
We're planning our summer trip to Tennessee already. Even
though it is months away, I am worried about it. Your little cousin will
be around 4 months old by then. Although I am looking forward to being
with the whole family, I know it will hurt to see your younger cousin.
Even though he or she isn't even born yet, I'm worried that his or her life will
be a constant, painful reminder of what your life would be like. It isn't
that I want to forget about you, it isn't that at all! I just think it
will be so painful to watch your cousin grow up.
031901
Dear Carley,
I was thinking a lot about your pictures today. So many
other moms have put their babies' pictures on their web pages. I hope you
will understand why I didn't. You are special, Carley. You are a
truly pure gift from God, and I am nothing short of a selfish human. I
want to keep you to myself. I can't share you with the rest of the
world. I just love you too much to share you with people who may not truly
understand how beautiful you are.
032201
Dear Carley,
As I was driving home today, I was thinking about you. I
remember the first time I heard someone use the phrase "your daughter"
when speaking of you. It was Mark Rossow, our funeral director. I
remember feeling a cross between giddiness and an overwhelming emptiness when he
said those words... your daughter... The idea of having a daughter was exciting,
even though I knew I would never have a chance to watch you grow up. Just
hearing those words made you even more real to me, although I knew you would not
be here for me to hold and cuddle.
032701
Dear Carley,
I had my postpartum visit today. Dr Leeds told me that he
was able to see your star a couple of weeks ago when he was on vacation... I
was so touched that he would even look for it. We talked about plans
for my next pregnancy... I worry so much that I won't be able to get pregnant
again. I know I'm overreacting, but I can't help but worry. I came
so close with you. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to have
more children.
032801
Dear Carley,
Your cousin Olivia was born today. And your 2nd cousin
Martina was born on Monday. And your playmate Wilson was born
yesterday. I don't think I can do this, Carley. Every time another
person has a baby, it breaks my heart all over again. Then I feel guilty
for feeling jealous or angry or whatever else I have going on inside me... and
then I feel even worse. Baby, why couldn't things have been
different? Why why why did you have to go so soon?
033101
Dear Carley,
Well, it happened. Someone congratulated Grammy on finally
having a granddaughter to spoil. I know it hurt mom to hear that and it
devastated me. Grammy promised me on the morning that Olivia was born that she
would never forget that she has 2 granddaughters. I just hope no one else
does. No, I won't let them.
040501
Dear Carley,
I still have moments where I still can't believe what
happened. It shocks me and I find myself literally jumping - startled by
the very thought that I really lost you. I replay that terrible scene in
the ultrasound room over and over in my head. I shudder every time I think
of the doctor's words. I knew you were gone, I knew it. But even
still, the shock of those words just makes my heart pound.
040601
I get so wound up thinking about getting pregnant again -
considering that having kids was the last thing on my mind when we discovered I
was pregnant last summer, this is a very strange and out-of-control
feeling. Part of it is impatience, I guess, part of it is wanting what I
was denied the first time. Part of it is the need to prove to myself that
I CAN do this. Strange how my whole perspective has changed.
041801
It has been nearly 2 weeks since I have written here.
Mostly it has been because I have not been able to bring myself to share my
thoughts. I've been so terribly, terribly sad. The week before
Carley's 2-month birthday was a busy one. It was Holy week, and I spent a
lot of time practicing my solo for church services on Maundy Thursday.
When that day came, I found myself pensive... thinking about Jesus dying for my
sins, thinking about how Mary must have felt watching her son hanging on a cross
in so much agony, and thinking of my own loss and my own agony. I wonder
if Carley suffered before she died. I'd like to think she didn't - that
her last moments were spent in gentle slumber. I'd like to think that she
died in the only place she knew, and that in her short time on earth, she felt
my love for her. I hope she was not afraid.
I am reminded that after Lent comes Easter. I have to
believe that even if her last moments on earth were frightening or painful, that
she is now in peace. I have to believe that she is in heaven... where
there is no pain, no sorrow, no fear.
I miss my baby. How I wish I could be with her.
050601
I worry a lot about what Mother's Day will be like for me.
Just seeing all the advertisements about Mother's Day sales, gift ideas, places
to go for brunch... all of it just makes me cringe. I'm not supposed
to feel like this. I'm not supposed to be so apprehensive about next
Sunday. I should be shopping for pretty mother/daughter dresses to wear to
church, and I should be making plans to have brunch with my mother and
mother-in-law.
Even though people reassure me that I really AM a mother, even
if my child is not here on earth, it is hard to feel that way sometimes.
How can I show pride for my "achievement" when all I have are ashes in
a bronze urn?
051301
I have had a pretty miserable couple of days... I don't know why
I thought that Mother's Day was not going to bother me. I had it all
planned out. I was going to stand up in church and be recognized with all
the other mothers. Well, I couldn't even stay in church. I left
after Sunday School. Steve bought me a beautiful card. I cried when
I read it.
I also got my M Day gift... Friday afternoon, 4 of my co-workers
and I went to Lasting Impressions and I got Carley's footprints tattooed on my
left shoulder. Bob, the ink artist, was able to paint them lightly so they
really looked like inkprints. They are just beautiful. Now people
will be able to see that I do have an angel on my shoulder - she left the
footprints to prove it!
052301
I said goodbye to a friend today. Naomi Mooney was a
sweet, tiny woman who attended our church. She died at the age of 88 with
no living relatives, and was buried in our local cemetary next to her
parents. To my knowledge she never married or had children. Naomi
devoted her life to the Lord and was a faithful servant to him. I watched
each week as she would open her pocketbook and put what little she had in the
offering plate. Most of us give of our excess. Naomi gave of her
every resource. She was the epitome of a Christian, loving everyone for
who they were and what good they did, and she was always thankful for what she
had. If anyone deserved to go to heaven, it was Naomi.
I will miss her smile and hearing her little voice welcome me
with a "God bless you" whenever I saw her. I am happy, though,
that she is finally with Jesus. It is the only place she really ever
wanted to go.
012102
People have asked me why I stopped writing here... I honestly
can't tell you. Part of it was because I haven't had time, and part of it
might be that I am moving on to "life without Carley". It has been
nearly a year since we lost her, and there are still days when I can't believe
she's gone... yet there are other days when Carley seems like a dream I once
had.
Each milestone this last year as been tough... Easter, Mother's
Day, Father's Day, even Halloween was tough. What would we have chosen for
her costume? She would have made an adorable little chili pepper or black
cat or pumpkin. Christmas was next to impossible.
On my birthday, I remembered the fact that I had an ultrasound
on my birthday last year, and that was the very last time I actually SAW Carley
alive. It made for a rough day.
All in all, though, I can tell you that things do get better in
time. It is still hard when people ask us if we have kids. It is
hard to look at newborn babies. It is hard to pass by the baby section at
the local department store... but it is easier to talk about her now. I
can tell you about her without crying. I can look at her picture and not
shake. And I can see that life does go on, even without her with us.
