A Mom's Journal: February 2001
021501
Dear Carley,
This website is my second labor of love for you. Perhaps this is my way of keeping you here with me - my first child, my only daughter, my love.
Holding you in my arms was so bittersweet. I often close my eyes and dream of that time we had, just you and I. I loved your little lips - That's the part of you I remember so vividly. I long to hold you again.
Tonight, when I sleep, I hope that you will visit me again. Let me kiss your hair one more time. Let me cuddle you and rock you and sing to you. Please, baby, if only in my dreams.
021701 - 3:18 a.m.
Dear Carley,
I can't sleep. I feel funny that I did not get overly upset today. I feel guilty about that, like maybe I am just not sensitive enough. Won't people think it freakish of me that I can laugh and be happy so soon after you're gone?
I made the decision today to change doctors. I wondered about whether or not I'd be able to go back to the OB Dept ever again, and I decided today that I couldn't. I can't go back to that room, the room where I first knew you left me. How can I go back and joke with the receptionists and complain to the nurses and go back to that room where I last heard your heart beating just days ago...
Oh, Carley, if I had known that this would be my only time with you, I would have never slept. I would have done nothing but caress you through my skin and sing to you. I would have laughed more when you kicked at my ribs and asked more people if they wanted to feel you move. I would have danced around in a bikini, and shown off to the world my beautiful, beautiful little miracle.
021701
Dear Carley,
I saw your pictures today. Is it possible that I had already forgotten how beautiful you are? No, I think perhaps you are just more beautiful than I or anyone else will ever know. You heard me tonight, didn't you? I was wailing for you. Oh, how I long for you sometimes. Maybe I'm lucky, though. No matter where I am, I know you are with me. You are never more than a heartbeat away.
021801
Dear Carley,
Today was a tough day. They honored you in church this morning, but you already knew that, didn't you? The baby that started to cry when our pastor began to speak about you... that was you, wasn't it? Was it your cries that I heard beneath my own?
Carley, I had no idea how many people loved you. Did you see all our friends coming to me and crying with me today? Did you see how much they were hurting? It was unbelievable to me.
Why did you leave me, Love? I know you can't tell me now, and someday when we meet again, I know I will understand, but it is so difficult. I love you so much I ache. And I miss you so much sometimes that I just can't see straight. But you don't feel bad when I laugh, do you? Tell me its ok to be happy sometimes.
021901
Dear Baby,
Today was a good day. This is the first morning I woke up without crying. Of course, I felt guilty that I did not weep for you as the sun rose, but I know I can't do that forever. I looked at your pictures again today. Goodness, you are a fat little thing, aren't you? Would you have had my smile, Carley? I could see you had my pout!
Sweetie, I am still so overwhelmed by all the people who have come to share their love with you. Even though you are not here, I know you must feel it.
I spent all that time carrying you under my heart. And I will spend the rest of my life carrying you in it.
022101
Dear Carley,
Mom and I looked at your pictures today. Yes, it is pretty obvious you have my pout. It's the first thing she said. Then she saw a picture with your hands and feet showing. It's pretty obvious you inherited those from your father. We had a good cry and then a good laugh. Thank you for allowing us to have both.
022201
Dear Carley,
I do wonder sometimes if part of me hasn't realized you're gone. Or maybe I've realized it, but haven't let myself feel it yet. I've worked so hard on this website as a way to talk about you, but I haven't really thought about how I feel or if what I'm feeling is anything at all.
I'm afraid.
022301
Am I a mother? Just because you are not here does not mean that I'm childless, does it?
022501
Dear Carley,
We discovered I was pregnant with you one night last summer. It was after 10:00 and I was getting ready for bed. I remember standing in the bathroom, staring at the pregnancy test, which was POSITIVE. Your dad came in and we both stood there, just looking at it. We were stunned. Then we hugged each other and began talking about how our life would change. We were so excited.
022601
Oh Carley, today has been such a tough day. It has been two weeks since I knew you left me, and I had hoped I'd be able to pull myself together by now. I just hurt so much when I think of you.