A Mom's Journal: March 2001
030201
Dear Carley -
Well, the first of your playmates was born today. Davi Rose - 8 lbs, 7 oz... We all were so looking forward to how the two of you would grow together... and how the four of us would learn to parent with each other... It is a bittersweet day. I am so happy for our friends, but it makes me miss you even more.
030401
Dear Carley,
I feel like things are finally starting to quiet down. And now that they are, it is as if my emotions have suddenly been opened... I can't even believe it has been three weeks. I'm so much sadder now. It's a calmer kind of sad, not the desperate grief I felt at first, more a dull, aching sadness. I have more time to think about you these days, and I miss you. I get jealous of other new moms and sometimes I get angry thinking of all the could-have-been things. I wonder sometimes what we would be doing now. I think about what your little hands would feel like when they held mine. I think about what your smile might have looked like. I don't know why I hadn't thought about these things before - maybe I wasn't ready to think of them. I don't think I'm ready now, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming. And it hurts so much.
030601
Dear Carley,
People still tell me they don't know what to say... It's funny, but I'm not sure I know what I want them to say. No one can take away this pain. I know your death is not something I will ever "get over". But I'm learning to live with it. I'm trying not to feel guilty when I laugh with my friends, and trying not to feel so hurt when I see other mothers with their babies. Oh how I miss you! Our doctor called today to see how I am doing. Talking to him still makes me sad, but it also makes me hopeful. You wouldn't mind if we tried to have another baby, would you? It isn't that I want to replace you - I could never replace you. But I do want to have a baby. We want to have a family. And I want you to have siblings. I hope that's ok with you.
030801
Dear Carley,
I look around the nursery each day and still can't believe that you're gone. Every darn time I drink a glass of orange juice, I fully expect to feel you kick inside me. And when I look at my flat stomach, I wish you were still there. I'm scared to go back to work, now. I don't want to go back to "the world". I'm happier just staying in the house, pretending that nothing else is out there for me.
031001
Dear Carley,
People still handle me with "kid gloves" and for that I am grateful. I worry, though, that the day will come when they don't. There is someone I know who lost her daughter several years ago. I wonder if people still ask her about Charlotte, or if they have tried to forget about her now that this woman has had other children.
I don't want people to forget about you. And in a way, I don't want to stop hurting. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be hurting... and the sadness, although painful, reminds me of how much I love you.
031201
I have said to many people that had I known those nine months would be my only time with Carley, I would have danced in the streets with my belly exposed to show the whole world my beautiful daughter... I've said a lot of "had I known"s in the last month.
It has been exactly 1 month since I first heard the news that my Carley was dead.
Had I known I would only have that short time with her, I would have spent more time relishing each thump and bump she made and less time complaining that she was stomping on my bladder. Had I known she would leave so soon, I would have encouraged people to feel her through my skin instead of being so self conscious about people touching me. Had I known I'd never see her smile or hear her voice, I'd have spent every waking moment memorizing the details of how she felt moving around inside my womb.
But I can't dwell on those "had I known"s.
I do encourage my friends who are pregnant (and there are PLENTY of them) to relish the thumps and bumps, to not wince when the little old ladies in the grocery store come up and touch them, and to appreciate every moment, even the uncomfortable ones...
Carley's death shook a lot of my friends and family into examining their own mortality, and how fragile life is. I have had several people tell me that when they heard our sad news, they immediately hugged their children...
I can see how her death has brought about some good. Although it does not lessen my pain, it does make me happy to know she has made a difference in others' lives. And for that I feel so blessed.
031501
Dear Carley,
We're planning our summer trip to Tennessee already. Even though it is months away, I am worried about it. Your little cousin will be around 4 months old by then. Although I am looking forward to being with the whole family, I know it will hurt to see your younger cousin. Even though he or she isn't even born yet, I'm worried that his or her life will be a constant, painful reminder of what your life would be like. It isn't that I want to forget about you, it isn't that at all! I just think it will be so painful to watch your cousin grow up.
031901
Dear Carley,
I was thinking a lot about your pictures today. So many other moms have put their babies' pictures on their web pages. I hope you will understand why I didn't. You are special, Carley. You are a truly pure gift from God, and I am nothing short of a selfish human. I want to keep you to myself. I can't share you with the rest of the world. I just love you too much to share you with people who may not truly understand how beautiful you are.
032201
Dear Carley,
As I was driving home today, I was thinking about you. I remember the first time I heard someone use the phrase "your daughter" when speaking of you. It was Mark Rossow, our funeral director. I remember feeling a cross between giddiness and an overwhelming emptiness when he said those words... your daughter... The idea of having a daughter was exciting, even though I knew I would never have a chance to watch you grow up. Just hearing those words made you even more real to me, although I knew you would not be here for me to hold and cuddle.
032701
Dear Carley,
I had my postpartum visit today. Dr Leeds told me that he was able to see your star a couple of weeks ago when he was on vacation... I was so touched that he would even look for it. We talked about plans for my next pregnancy... I worry so much that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I know I'm overreacting, but I can't help but worry. I came so close with you. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to have more children.
032801
Dear Carley,
Your cousin Olivia was born today. And your 2nd cousin Martina was born on Monday. And your playmate Wilson was born yesterday. I don't think I can do this, Carley. Every time another person has a baby, it breaks my heart all over again. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous or angry or whatever else I have going on inside me... and then I feel even worse. Baby, why couldn't things have been different? Why why why did you have to go so soon?
033101
Dear Carley,
Well, it happened. Someone congratulated Grammy on finally having a granddaughter to spoil. I know it hurt mom to hear that and it devastated me. Grammy promised me on the morning that Olivia was born that she would never forget that she has 2 granddaughters. I just hope no one else does. No, I won't let them.