A Mom's Journal: April 2001
040501
Dear Carley,
I still have moments where I still can't believe what happened. It shocks me and I find myself literally jumping - startled by the very thought that I really lost you. I replay that terrible scene in the ultrasound room over and over in my head. I shudder every time I think of the doctor's words. I knew you were gone, I knew it. But even still, the shock of those words just makes my heart pound.
040601
I get so wound up thinking about getting pregnant again - considering that having kids was the last thing on my mind when we discovered I was pregnant last summer, this is a very strange and out-of-control feeling. Part of it is impatience, I guess, part of it is wanting what I was denied the first time. Part of it is the need to prove to myself that I CAN do this. Strange how my whole perspective has changed.
041801
It has been nearly 2 weeks since I have written here. Mostly it has been because I have not been able to bring myself to share my thoughts. I've been so terribly, terribly sad. The week before Carley's 2-month birthday was a busy one. It was Holy week, and I spent a lot of time practicing my solo for church services on Maundy Thursday. When that day came, I found myself pensive... thinking about Jesus dying for my sins, thinking about how Mary must have felt watching her son hanging on a cross in so much agony, and thinking of my own loss and my own agony. I wonder if Carley suffered before she died. I'd like to think she didn't - that her last moments were spent in gentle slumber. I'd like to think that she died in the only place she knew, and that in her short time on earth, she felt my love for her. I hope she was not afraid.
I am reminded that after Lent comes Easter. I have to believe that even if her last moments on earth were frightening or painful, that she is now in peace. I have to believe that she is in heaven... where there is no pain, no sorrow, no fear.
I miss my baby. How I wish I could be with her.E B