 |
Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms |
|
|
|
|
Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them. For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ~Mk 10:14 Carley's Site was last updated 01/03/02 10:47:49 PM
|
|
Dr Downard told me that this was the beginning of what would be the worst time in our lives. No, no, no. That's not what I meant. I meant that I wanted to know what I was supposed to do that moment. I didn't want to think of the future. I didn't want to think about anything. Just point me in a direction and tell me what to do. Don't ask me to feel. Don't ask me anything. Just do something and do it now. Jeri Ann and Dee escorted me to the hospital, which is attached to the medical clinic. Glenda, a petite, soft-spoken nurse, was assigned to me for the day. She, like the others who would later care for me, would prove to be a not just a nurse, but a social worker, event coordinator, even at times a security guard and bouncer. In retrospect, I have no idea how they can do their jobs so well. I wonder how they can wear so many hats. I wonder that same thing about clergy members as well. Wendy, my pastor, wears more hats than anyone I know. And the hysteria that felt so imminent was only contained because of how good she is at everything she does. Wendy arrived shortly before Steve, my husband, did. And the hours that followed, I remember very little, only that I did not get to be alone with Steve very much, and that there were too many decisions that needed to be made, and that I was out of my mind. My doctor chose to give me a medication that would first cause me to dilate. It had been less than 2 hours since I first learned that my baby had died. There was a large clock on the wall opposite my bed. I spent a lot of time watching that clock, and everyone else spent time watching me. I don't think I understood completely that the medication they gave me would have to work for 12 hours before they could do anything further. I was panicking that we would not be able to get this done before my doctor left for his conference the next morning. I think I was the only one who did not realize that it was never going to happen that quickly. At 5:00 that evening, I was introduced to Dr. Leeds, the one who would be taking over for Dr Downard the following morning. I wanted to meet him first, just in case, but I didn't worry because I was still planning on delivering before Dr Downard left. I watched the clock and it watched me right back and I spent much of that day laughing and crying with our families. I must have been in shock much of the time, because I can't understand why I was able to laugh at all that day or any day since then. I remember feeling crowded by all our family members there, but I knew there was nowhere else for them to be, and I knew that their only reason for being there was me. I felt a lot of pressure to play hostess, even though they insisted I should just concentrate on my task at hand, delivering the baby. I begged both doctors on several occasions to give me a C-section, which they refused over and over. They said it was too much of a risk to my uterus. C-sections are great when they are medically necessary, but still a risk that couldn't be taken if it wasn't. I didn't care. I wanted them to damage my uterus. I wanted them to take the damn thing out. I was never going to get pregnant again anyway. Continue
|
Although many people bypass
guestbooks, I would like very much to know who has taken the time, even if only
a few moments, to get to know my daughter. Please, take a few more moments
and sign her guestbook. It would mean a great deal to me!
|
