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Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them. For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ~Mk 10:14 Carley's Site was last updated 01/03/02 10:47:49 PM
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Glenda spoke with us about some literature they were going to leave us with - books and pamphlets with support group information, and "ways to cope when your baby dies". I couldn't even stand to see them on the table across the room. She also mentioned that the hospital would give us a camera and film if we wanted to take pictures of Carley when she was born. They would also take pictures of her for me. This thought made me sick. Pictures of my dead baby? Was she insane? She told me that although I may not want to now, someday I may want to have a picture of her. And perhaps it was better to have the film and never develop it than to not have it and wish I did. In the end, she was very right and I'm very glad I listened to her. It seemed that this would happen over and over while I was there. The nurses would suggest something to me and tell me to "just consider that option" and I would think to myself that it was crazy or unnecessary or simply something I would NEVER want, and in time, I would discover that they were right on the money and that I DID want it, and that I was so glad they suggested it. Looking back, I can actually see the stages I was going through in my grief, and these wonderful women have watched more than one patient go through this. They knew that something I may not think I want at one moment would later be something I would treasure. I am so thankful that they are such experts, but am quite sad that they are. It must be so taxing on them to have to care for women like me. Glenda also talked to me about what she might look like when she came out. I was afraid and unsure, but she explained, gently, what happens after a baby dies. She said that their skin can often peel. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I also wasn't sure I wanted to see her. I wasn't sure of anything. Her shift ended that evening and I was scared to be "turned over" to someone else. I was comfortable with her, and trusted her, and didn't want her to leave. She assured me that Sarah would be a good nurse for me, and introduced us before she left for the night. All this stuff going on just swirled around me like dust in the wind. It was hard to think, hard to see straight, hard to find my way - but I would later discover that with their help and the love and support of my family and friends, I would get through this. I began to get crampy and thought about having the epidural put in. I was afraid, though, because I know it slows down the labor process. Of course, I still had my heart set on delivering that baby before Dr Downard left. The cramps were strong, enough to force me to pause from whatever I was doing in order to let them pass, so I went ahead and asked for them to call Anesthesia. I also wanted them to do an amniocentesis. If it would help us find some answers, then I didn't care what they did to me. I just didn't want them doing anything to Carley. Continue
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Although many people bypass
guestbooks, I would like very much to know who has taken the time, even if only
a few moments, to get to know my daughter. Please, take a few more moments
and sign her guestbook. It would mean a great deal to me!
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